Unsaid

Sometimes it's the stuff that you leave unsaid that you wish you so badly could say. But you know that you shouldn't because if you do, it might ruin everything, cause more problems than you want to handle, or just scared to hear an answer that you don't want to hear. Maybe it's for the best to keep things unsaid. I mean you could get into a lot of bad shit if you said everything you wanted to say to everyone. But what if you did? It might be the complete opposite of what I think. Maybe it will weed out the people that aren't that important in your life. Maybe you will find your "true" friends if you do. Or if tell that one person that you want to be with, that you like them, that they might just like you and want to be with you too. Or you will find what you really want in life, who you really are, and what makes you truly happy. I guess the more I think about it, the more stuff that is unsaid the more you will never know what could happen. It's getting over that fear of sometimes hearing what you don't want to hear. And facing things you don't really want to face.

One Year. Nov. 19th, 2009

It has been one year since my dad has passed and it feels like it happened just yesterday. It is very hard to explain exactly how I am feeling about it. People ask me all the time how I am doing and feeling. I don't really know. Sure I'v gotten passed he numbness of it all, but besides that I couldn't really give you an exact answer. Sure I'm mad, angry, sad, confused, and all of other adjectives. But I am have love, peace, understanding of things that happened and why. Missing my dad and sadness that he is not here with me and our family will be with me every single day of my life. But it's getting pass the sorrow and hurt of it all and finding the good out of it and changing you as a person. I am slowly but surely finding that path of the goodness that could possibly come from a horrible tragedy.

I have friends, family members, people I don't even really know always tell me what I should be feeling and how I should be feeling. That it hasn't hit yet or that the anger and sorrow and everything else will hit you at some point and you need to make peace with it or deal with it. I don't really get how someone can tell someone how they should be feeling or what they will be feeling later on. No one really knows. Even if it did happen to you, yeah you might be able to help a little bit more and have some good advice and opinions, but everyone handles things differently, everyone has different feelings and emotions and how they deal with stuff. I believe what most people want and need in their life when something happens to them like this is just someone to be there and listen to them. Someone to talk to and spill all of their thoughts, emotions, and sadness out too.

Dad I love you with all of my heart. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't wish you were right here by my side. That if I could I would change everything. I'm going to miss you being able to watch me grow up and show you everything I can do with my life and career. I wish you could be there when I make it where I want to be in the Film Industry. I wish you could be there for when I get married and have children and be their grandpa. I wish every day that I could call you, see you, have lunch with you, go to colts games, take motorcycle trips, go on amazing vacations, just hug you and never let go. But I know that that isn't possible anymore. And I truly know now that you will always be with me in spirit and in my heart. You will help me get through everything in my life and trust me I'll need you for it, and I know you will be there with me every step of the way. I love you dad. Thank you so much for everything you did for me, but most of all thank you for being the best dad a son could ever ask for. Showing me all the love in the world. When it came down to it that's the best thing you could have ever given all of us, the love that you showed us every single day that you probably didn't even know you did. It still amazes me. And I'll always have that with me. Thank you for making me the person and man I am today. I love you. I'll see you and Tash again.