Big Sister

Today is my sisters 29th Birthday. It's crazy how time flies by. I can't believe it has been three years and some months since you have been gone. I honestly never talked about you that much to anyone. I was scared too. I held a lot of my feelings, pain, and sorrow in about you for quite some time, actually till just recently. It made me upset to think about it and open up about it because I had many regrets when you left. I never really got to ever know my big sister, except for those few months that you were back home. I never told you I loved you as much as I should have and wanted too. I never talk to you just you and I besides a few times and I remember those days very vividly. And honestly I didn't spend all that much time with you. Sure yeah some of it had to do with the gap of years between us so it was hard but I still wanted wish we could have. If I could play it back I would have done things very differently, but I can't and I have finally accepted that. But even though we didn't see much of each other all the time or see eye to eye quite a bit of the time, I always knew you loved me more than anything in the world. You always protected me and anyone in our family from anything and everything. If you didn't a approve of a girl I was seeing or she wasn't treating me how you thought I should be treated you made sure she knew that and that if they did anything to hurt me that you were going to hunt them down. You protected me, cared about me, and loved me throughout my whole life and I knew that always. No words had to be said, no actions had to be done...I just knew it. And I thank you so much for that and I love you more than you could ever know.

Now Tash was always the most outgoing and opinionated person I have ever met. She could go into pretty much anywhere and within 10 or 15min that she was there mostly everyone has put their eyes on her to see what she would do next or say next. You had an energy about her that was unreal. It made everyone around her feel more comfortable and make them get out of their shy little box and be more outgoing because you weren't afraid cause you could never out do her. Tash wasn't the most warming person if you didn't really know her, but you always respected her and loved something about her because she was so unique in many ways. She was a very passionate and ambitious woman that if she went after something she would get it. If she wanted something done it would get done and done very well. She inspired me and gave me my passion for the entertainment business that I am forever grateful for because it makes me very happy to love something that I do, and she made that happen. Tasha put up quite a bit of bark and talked a lot. But behind that hard front she had she was one of the sweetest and very family oriented girl. She loved to be with her family and friends. You could just tell she was truly happy when she was around people that she cared about and people that cared about her.

I could go on for days describing her and what she meant to me and who I thought she was. The bottom line is that she was one of the most amazing woman I have ever seen. Sure she was hard to get a long with and very tough to deal with at times but she had that quality about her that attracted people regardless because you knew behind that tough act she had on she was one of the most caring, loving, and passionate people you could ever know. I couldn't ask for a better sister than her and what she did for me that I didn't understand at the time. I love you Tasha and I miss you every day. Thank you for being my amazing big sister!

Always There

Being the youngest in my family I observed a lot. I watched my sisters to see what they did and what they got in trouble for and what they didn't to see what I could get a away with. I watched my mom who was always the stable one. The one that was always there to talk and love on you and go over something in very big detail if you wanted. She listened, and listening has to be one of the biggest things someone could do. I watched my dad often. He was my idol, hero, inspiration, etc... I watched how he took control of his business. How dealt with people in general from business, to strangers, to family. i watched how he handled himself, how he dressed, walked, acted in front of different groups. I watched everything because I wanted to be just like him. I do almost everything how he did it but with a little of my own style. But the thing I noticed I have been doing very often right now that he always did and what I loved about him was that he was someone that was always there for people. If you were ever in doubt, trouble, sad, concerned, whatever it may be he was always the first person someone would call to help them because they knew he would be there in a second and knew he would take care of the problem. It is one of the hardest and most stressful roles to take on. It can feel like you are caring weights on your shoulders all the time. You most the time don't get anything back from anyone or anything when you do it. Sometimes you get a card or a nice message from someone and then other times you don't even get a thank you or I appreciate it. But if you are strong enough to take that role and willing it is not even about that. It is about being there for the people you care about at no cost and at anytime. Because a lot of people don't have that in their lives. A lot of people don't have but one person that they know that they can call at anytime of any hour that will be there for them in a second whether it be to just talk or to go pick them up from somewhere a couple hours away. But if you don't set yourself up for disappointment by taking on that role, then it can be an amazing feeling to know that that person that you care about and love will always have someone to go to when in need for anything. That is something very rare and special to come across in life.

Giving Time of the Year

Monday is going to be a huge day. I am going to go to different shelters, charities, and people that I know who have been going through a very rough time and deserve an amazing holiday, even if it is just for one day. I have and will be gathering up different gifts, presents, holiday stuff, and just me and my time, just to maybe brighten up their holiday and show that people are here and care. I am going to spend all day hanging out with them, talking to them, and doing whatever with them. And I guess out of all of this hopefully they have a better/joyful holiday and maybe give them a little more hope.

Could I be doing more of this every year, Absolutely. Do I? No, I don't, but I should. But for me right now is a big deal to show people that you are there for them and that you care and love them. My Dad was always a giving person around this time of the year. And I don't mean buying things for people, even though he did do that. He went above and beyond what most people do during this time of the year. He showed people that he cared about them, loved them, appreciated them, etc... And I want to be able to do that and carry that on for him, and for myself. Even though this is one of the most joyful times of the year, a lot of people aren't because they are struggling and just trying to get by. Most people are sad and hurt because they can't give their loved ones or children or family everything they want to give them. Maybe they are just so busy that they don't have time to spend with their family. Whatever the case may be, doing things for others this time of the year and showing people that you are just there for them is the biggest gift you can give someone. And I want to try to give some people that and hopefully give them a better and happier holiday.

Then the rest of that week, following up to Christmas for me, I really want to show my family and friends that I really care, love, and appreciate them more than they could ever imagine. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be who and where I am today. I am sure they know that and know I care and love them. But it is always nice to hear, show, and do things they you wouldn't expect one to do. And that is exactly what I am going to do for them. Because everyone of them has helped or given up something for me to be who I am and help me achieve what I want in life. And they deserve to know in every way, that I appreciate everything they do for me, even if it is as a little as they just listened to me. Because they may think that is little but that is huge thing to me and I want to show how much everything means.

Changes All Around Us.

I think it is very interesting to watch people change. Everyone changes. But do they change for the better or the worse? For me though, that isn't really even the most interesting question. The most interesting question is which person is really them and which one are they masking? Some people you can tell right away and some people you have no idea. But really no one will ever really know expect for that person.

I have changed quite a bit in the past seven years. I used to be this guy who was always hanging out with his friends, having a good time. Always talking and helping my five best friends and just enjoying my childhood and teenage life. Then I began to push them away and isolate myself because of shit that was going on in my life. I become mean, not talking much, annoyed, this and that. Then I got out of that point in my life. Lost a lot of friends but reconnected with my five close friends and found a girl who I fall madly in love with. I was always with her and wanting to hang out with her and loving her. I wanted nothing but to just treat her right and always have that passion and make sure she knew how special she really was. I was one of the happiest guys alive. I had five great friends and an amazing girlfriend that I knew within a year that she could/was definitely the one I wanted for the rest of my life. Then two major things happened within a year and a half and I just lost myself. Gave up on everything I suppose. I was there but I wasn't "really" there. I had no emotions really. Didn't really care to see anyone, talk, share, hang out, have fun, etc.. Began pushing my girlfriend away because I was never really there and in reality all I really wanted was her and my family around me and loving me. But I couldn't give that back because I was so lost and gone and I didn't even know it. And now, even after losing quite a bit, I see things in a different light. I see who I really am and who I want to be. Is it too late for a few things, yes probably. But I guess at least through all the changes in my life I realized who I really am I don't ever want to change that.

I knew a guy who was a very loving guy. He was a charmer. He was always giving to people and helping people out. He was always having people over and hosting things to get everyone together. He always seemed to be there when you didn't expect him to be and was always there on every special occasion and party. You always felt very happy and loved when you were around him because he just gave off that vibe. Then slowly but surly he began distancing himself from people. He grew angry. be began drinking and taking prescriptions regularly. Stopped caring about what other people were feeling or how his actions made other people feel. He completely stopped talking to parts of his family because of a reason I'll never know. Was he just putting on a act and posing as the first person and his true colors came out? I think so, but only he really knows.

My first girlfriend, which we were together for about a year was a sweet, and very nice person. She would do anything for anyone. Didn't even matter if it wasn't her own family, or if she even really knew them, she would just do things beyond what anyone expects one person to do that it changed peoples lives. She had a strong relationship and was an amazing girlfriend and everyone could tell because they were always together laughing and in love. Then one day, it's like no one knew who she was anymore. She began to drink and do drugs. She disappeared in peoples lives that loved her and cared about her. She decided she wanted to sleep around a lot more and she wanted a different type of guy and boyfriend. It kind of seemed like she stopped caring about herself anymore and who she really was. But who is she really? Was she just pretending and masking the first person she was and this is who she really is. Or was that really who she was and she changed for the worse unfortunately? Who really knows. But it is very interesting to see that change.

I knew a guy who did drugs almost everyday. Not just weed or whatever. Coke, heroine, pills, etc... He was friends with all sorts of people that wanted the same thing. Slept with girls here and there, no condom or anything, just didn't care. Treated others around him who tried to give their opinion or help like shit. Didn't really care about school. He was smart so he got by but didn't care what it was doing for him or the purpose of it. Then all of sudden out of the blue, Have no idea what triggered it, he stopped everything completely. Called people he probably never would for help. Went through some hard and tough times trying to get over it. He is now one of the smartest and nicest guys I have known. Would do anything for anyone he truly cares about. and just completely did an 180. It was crazy to see that change and his whole story could be very inspirational to many. You can tell that this is the person he really is too.

I could go on with many stories with many people I know and have met in my life. But the point is that change is everywhere. Death, school, people, words, etc..change people everyday. Change is supposed to happen. It's inevitable. It's how you deal with that change that will change everything. Because you can easily take the wrong route and change into someone you aren't and who isn't you. I have taken that route and it isn't fun to try to get back to who you really are. So yes change, but change for the better but never change into a person who you really aren't

Risks

Risk is a very scary concept. Usually when you use that term you either gain everything or lose it all. That is why it is such a mind boggling concept to decide on. Are most things worth taking the risk and losing everything if you do? I don't know, I guess that depends on the person. But I would say that a lot things aren't worth that to most people. They would rather not worry about it, anxiety, stress of maybe coming out on the bad end of it all. Which I absolutely get cause I have not taken a risk on some things because I was so worried about it not going they way I hoped. But I kind of wish I did. Because for me, if you want to take a risk on something then it's probably what you really want and better than you have. Kind of like going for first instead of just accepting second. I have come to realize that more in the past 6 months than I'v ever had before. When you want something and you think about it once or multiple times a day then it's worth the risk. Whether it be a career move, telling someone that you like them or love them, or just simply getting rid of things that you don't need in your life. If it's going to make you happier and/or a better person then why not try for it. You might not get it and life goes on, probably the same way it was going. But maybe you do get it, and that one thing could change everything. I guess you have to be able to let go of that fear or maybe I should say "I" should let go off all the fear.

Power of Friendship

One of my oldest and closest friends came home yesterday from being gone for two years on a mission. When he got off the plane it was like we never missed a step and I saw him yesterday. When you can have friends like that that you haven't seen in a couple years or been able to really talk too and it seems as though he was never gone, that is something very special. That is a sign of true friendship and something that can't be broken. Something that I believe everyone should have in their life, because it's hard to fall when you have those type of friends. I owe a lot of things to this kid, and I'm sure more to come. Two of the things I owe him the most for is making me a better person, and making me believe that there is always good no matter how bad or messed up the situations may be. I'm honestly not sure where I would be today, with everything that has gone on in my life, if it wasn't for him. He never let me turn into someone I wasn't. Never made me give up hope, when I wanted to give up on it so badly. Never made me stop believing in love when I get my heartbroken. Never made me stop believing in God when I couldn't have been more mad at him. And never made me give up on myself. I couldn't be more grateful for that. I just hope that I can be half the friend to him as he has/always will be for me.