a little longer than expected.

It's kind of weird after having 3 year plus long relationships to be on my own. Especially at this point in my life. Had that happened three or four years ago I'm not sure I would have learned what I did now. I've always kind of had someone there to help me. Someone I could take my mind off all the bad shit that has happened in my life and just not deal with it. Did that help at all. Well I would say some didn't mind it, and that's not what I was looking for, and one probably couldn't deal with me just not being the person I could be. And as unfortunate as that was I'm pretty sure that was the best thing that happened for me in a messed up kind of way. Once I was just all alone in a since...I got beat down probably harder than anyone ever could. Everything I was not wanting to deal with, I had too. Every emotion, conversation, feeling that I had been hiding for a long time had to come out. And as dark and as sad as those days were, that made me realize who I was. What I was capable of. What I wanted out of life. What kind of girl I wanted. Everything. I always was a little be afraid of what people thought about me. What I did, Where I was going, everything I did was kind of for someone else. And it's sad that it took horrible things to happen for me to realize to change that, but it did. I'm not sorry for the way I live my life anymore. If you want to judge me for liking nice things, traveling, spoiling a girlfriend or friends of mine and doing stuff that most people are scared to do, can't do, whatever...then judge me. I honestly don't really care. I'm not really wanting to win a popularity contest. I'v probably lost more friends than gained, but that's okay with me because the friends that have come in that time...I can actually call true friends. Which is a word and concept that people have no idea what it means and how to be one. It'll be an interesting time/adventure seeing where it goes from here and how everything plays out.

Give me that strength dad

I'm not really sure you ever realized how much love and support you gave me dad until you left. So much so that sometimes I wish you hadn't because it makes me miss you a million times worse. Whenever I was down, sad, mad, in trouble, alone, I knew you were on phone call, one drive, on second away to always take care of me without a question. However far away you may have been, what time of the day, what circumstance...you found a way to be there. You would give the world up for us. I never was scared because I knew that no matter how bad things got you were always there to just love me. You were always there to just talk with me about life, make me laugh, cry, feel okay, remind me what it is to be the type of man that I needed to be. You have no idea how much I miss that. How much I long for that. I miss my dad. I miss that love that only a father can give to his son and I need you to give that to me right now. I need you to give me that strength and love of yours to me somehow, someway.

letting it go..

I have always been someone to just wear my heart on my sleeve. And to some extent I still do but I'v noticed that for quite a bit I don't anymore. I'v been hurt way to much by friends, girlfriends, family to keep doing that. It's sad when you realize that because you have missed out on so much without even knowing it. Taking chances on things that could have been something because you were so guarded because you didn't want what happened before to repeat itself. But how will you know if you just don't go for it. And I am one of the biggest advocates of telling people to do just go with it and go for it. But I don't do it myself. I do it with business and things that I know it can only hurt me so deep. I don't really do it with things in my life that are a bit more personal and close because I know how deep it can hurt if it does repeat or go bad and I'm scared of that. The heart can really only take so much at a time and I honestly don't know, still at this point, if it can take anymore beating on it. I miss my father and sister immensely and nothing will replace that. My ex who was my rock through everything and I loved dearly is getting married to someone else. My close close friends just kind of up and left when I needed them and now it's just texts and calls to help them out or they want/need something from me. My grandfather pretty much just decided that it's not that important to him to have a relationship with us when it would be great to have it. And even though some of those things might have been a year or so gone now when you give your heart fully to everything you do and to everyone that you take in and just wear it on your sleeve, it takes time to heal. but you can't have it take over your life. You have to take those chances on people and things. Cause if you don't you'll lose and miss out on a lot. So...I guess it's time to take that advice, that I give to others so often, on myself.

Drive..

I remember the first e-mail I ever got from someone when I was trying to get into the film industry, that no one cares about what happened, your stories, anything. Unless you have some type of family member or relative that is in the industry there is no chance. And I have heard that still today. To be honest I'm not sure where they heard anything about me because I don't even talk about it, so obviously someone is talking or reading something about me that I have said or written, but that's besides the point. I still have that e-mail that was about 4 years ago. I read it here every once in a while. And that statement alone drives me every day to prove that statement wrong. I am not looking for pity or sorrow. I never have or want it. But you are telling me that I can't make it because I don't know people. Because I'm doing it for a reason that is beyond just becoming a star or making money. I think it has everything to do with what you have been through in life. How you handled it or didn't handle it. It absolutely is about the stories you have been through. How tough of skin you have. It's about making a difference and if it isn't then nothing you do will stand for anything. You'll just follow what your told to do and it won't be original. Originality comes from you and what you have been through and your STORIES that you have that make you you. And without that you won't ever stand off as your own, you will follow the footsteps of others and that's something I refuse to do.

Fal

I owe quite a bit to a lot of different people for helping me through all aspects of life. But someone who I feel like I owe a tremendous amount to is my sister Falan. She's my best friend, and I couldn't ask for a better friend. She is one of the most caring, loving, funny, entertaining, emotional, passionate, fun, etc. etc. etc. people I have know. She can make friends and get along with just about anyone very quickly. She has a great presence about her. But you also don't want to get on her bad side because she is very protective too! That's what makes her her though. That's what people love about her. But most importantly to me is that she has always been there for me ever since I can remember. I don't believe there has been one time where I needed someone to talk to, help with a problem, support me, challenge me, etc..where she hasn't been there in a second for me. From teaching me how to tie my shoes and swimming, to helping me through high school and friends, through trying to find what I want to do and accomplish my dreams and goals in life. She was always the first one right behind me to give me that push and support and believe in me and show that she loved me no matter what happened but she wasn't going to let me fall. She shows me how much she loves me as a person, brother, and friend every single day. That's all someone really needs out of a sister and/or friend and she goes so much above and beyond that that I never feel unloved, alone, or not believed in. She is one of the strongest women and most amazing people I have ever known. Through everything we, as a family, have been through she has shown so much strength for our family that it makes us stronger too. She shows so much love and compassion and caring towards me and mom that we wouldn't be who we are today if it wasn't for her and how much she does and shows to us. I know I wouldn't be half the man today if it wasn't for my sister being in my life and helping raise me to be who I am today. And I probably wouldn't even be trying to go after my dream of film if it wasn't for all the support and believing in me from her, from the first day I said thats what I wanted to do. She wouldn't let me give up because she knew it's what made me happy and what I loved to do. Falan gave me a very big outlook on life and on people. I hope one day I can do half the things for her that she has done for me. I love you sister. I couldn't ask for a better person to be my sister and best friend.