A Wall...gone!

I have put up a wall for so long that I finally see things so clearly now. It's sad that it had to come like this. My wall broke to pieces when the love of my life and I broke up. It sucks that it had to come like that. But it did. I see how much I missed with this wall blocking my real emotions and kind of who I was. I realized that yes I showed my girlfriend that I cared about her and did stuff for her and tried to protect her and be there for her. But what she really wanted from me was me. She wanted me to open up to her and show her who I really was. She wanted me to come out of this shell I was in for so long and and show her how i felt, to express what I was feeling and work through it all as a couple. I was scared to do that. I was scared to open up all of this sadness and drama to her because I wanted her to not have to see that and to protect her from all of that. But in the end it really just pushed us away and I regret that a lot. I never really got to show her how much I really loved her and cared about her. Yes she saw that in a way but she didn't see it through my emotions and feelings. She didn't see HOW MUCH i really loved her. Because i was shut off. I wanted to protect everyone and show them that I could be strong and you could all come to me when you had a problem. But I really wanted to break down and just cry and let everything out. Why I couldn't do that with her kills me because I so badly wanted to but I didn't want to have to put all of that on her too when I knew she was sad also. But I should have and we should have worked through it together because it would have made us stronger and more connected and I see that now. Is it too late for us...I don't know I hope not because I really love her with all of my heart and she is my everything! I just hope it isn't too late for her to see that my wall has been broken. One of the biggest regrets because it blocked me away from a lot of other stuff too. I see now how sad my dad really was. How who he was hanging out with and his "friends" weren't really his friends and were kind of using him. How he wanted to just go home. He wanted his wife and family back so he could be happy again. He pretended to be happy for his kids but deep down he wasn't and you could see that in his eyes if you really looked and I didn't because i was in denial too. Maybe that is who taught me to put up a wall to protect others because he did the same thing for us. It didn't help him either. I wish I could have seen that and been there for him! I see now how important friends are. I pushed a lot of good friends away. Ones that cared about me for me. Not just people to hang with or party with. But really true friends. I see that now and i hope that isn't too late either. I see a lot of things a lot more open minded and clearly. It has helped me really see where I want to go in life and persue it. I has helped me with my film and writing because I know now that I have the talent and skill to make it big if i go after it with all i got. I know that I can achieve more than i thought. I was scared of failure and letting people down all the time. Well what I was doing but keeping that wall up was letting them down. I didn't see that. I do know. It's time for me to change and change into a better person and i'm going to do just that!