A Wall...gone!

I have put up a wall for so long that I finally see things so clearly now. It's sad that it had to come like this. My wall broke to pieces when the love of my life and I broke up. It sucks that it had to come like that. But it did. I see how much I missed with this wall blocking my real emotions and kind of who I was. I realized that yes I showed my girlfriend that I cared about her and did stuff for her and tried to protect her and be there for her. But what she really wanted from me was me. She wanted me to open up to her and show her who I really was. She wanted me to come out of this shell I was in for so long and and show her how i felt, to express what I was feeling and work through it all as a couple. I was scared to do that. I was scared to open up all of this sadness and drama to her because I wanted her to not have to see that and to protect her from all of that. But in the end it really just pushed us away and I regret that a lot. I never really got to show her how much I really loved her and cared about her. Yes she saw that in a way but she didn't see it through my emotions and feelings. She didn't see HOW MUCH i really loved her. Because i was shut off. I wanted to protect everyone and show them that I could be strong and you could all come to me when you had a problem. But I really wanted to break down and just cry and let everything out. Why I couldn't do that with her kills me because I so badly wanted to but I didn't want to have to put all of that on her too when I knew she was sad also. But I should have and we should have worked through it together because it would have made us stronger and more connected and I see that now. Is it too late for us...I don't know I hope not because I really love her with all of my heart and she is my everything! I just hope it isn't too late for her to see that my wall has been broken. One of the biggest regrets because it blocked me away from a lot of other stuff too. I see now how sad my dad really was. How who he was hanging out with and his "friends" weren't really his friends and were kind of using him. How he wanted to just go home. He wanted his wife and family back so he could be happy again. He pretended to be happy for his kids but deep down he wasn't and you could see that in his eyes if you really looked and I didn't because i was in denial too. Maybe that is who taught me to put up a wall to protect others because he did the same thing for us. It didn't help him either. I wish I could have seen that and been there for him! I see now how important friends are. I pushed a lot of good friends away. Ones that cared about me for me. Not just people to hang with or party with. But really true friends. I see that now and i hope that isn't too late either. I see a lot of things a lot more open minded and clearly. It has helped me really see where I want to go in life and persue it. I has helped me with my film and writing because I know now that I have the talent and skill to make it big if i go after it with all i got. I know that I can achieve more than i thought. I was scared of failure and letting people down all the time. Well what I was doing but keeping that wall up was letting them down. I didn't see that. I do know. It's time for me to change and change into a better person and i'm going to do just that!

Greatest... but also sadness.

One of the best moment of my life but also one of the most heart wrenching. It was Fourth of July 2008. I was at my girlfriends we were having one of the best days we have had! Laughing a lot, spending all day with each other, hanging out, having fun and being madly in love. We were getting all ready to go to my Dad's Condo downtown. (It is one of the best views to watch fireworks from Indianapolis. You can go on the rooftop of the building and everyone is out there enjoying the great view.) Erin's Mom, Dad, older sister and her friend were coming. And it was great because that is the first time my dad really got to meet my girlfriends parents. So it was a pretty big deal to me! We all were having a great time. Everyone was bonding great, laughing a ton, grilling out and eating some good food. I was really happy. We took a lot of photos from that night too. Just snapping photos left and right maybe because I just wanted to remember the night, I don't know. But I went back to look at those photos. And I realized that every picture I had with my dad I could see in his eyes sadness. Every picture his eyes were never happy. And eyes do not lie. I know my dad pretty well and I know by a picture whether he is honestly happy and stuff or not. I never realized that until very recently when I looked back at them. I guess I never really wanted to see it. He had so much sadness in those eyes. He missed his family. He missed having Fourth of July with his wife and kids and putting on a show for them. I know that because that's what he was always talking about. I wish i would have realized that sooner. So that had to be one of the best days of my life because I was so happy with my relationship and that my father was meeting my girl's parents that I was in love with and her sister. But It was also sad too because I knew in his eyes in those pictures that he wasn't happy and that he missed something in his life and I realize what that was now, his family!

Followers

I find it very funny how many people will say they like something when they really didn't at all but everyone else around them did so they will agree. I see that all the time with movies. Take for instance Wolverine or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Yes those were very hyped up movies with big time budgets. People went in there already making up their mind that it was amazing because of what the character and what the movie was about. But really those movies were not good at all. But people won't admit to saying that because they will not be with the majority of the people. They want to agree with everyone else because if you don't people will jump on you about it and start arguing. Same thing goes with concerts. A big time band that is hyped up to be amazing and put on the best show and then they just aren't very good at all. But people will say that they were because of who the artist is and what everyone thinks. It goes for a lot of things in life too. No not everyone is like this not by any means. It just find it very interesting and funny the people that do do that. I mean it is okay to have an opinion even if someone does get upset or angry. It doesn't really matter it's YOUR opinion. If you don't like something, do like something and no one else does, doesn't want to do something, etc. whatever it may be just express your own opinion because if you don't then you aren't really being who you are. Be your own person.

Drinking...good and bad?

I kind of grew up with drinking being fine. I mean I was always told that I can't drink until I'm 21 and some basic expectations but never had parents that where like "You can not drink ever. It is against God's will." Being the youngest in my family though I was always watching everyone in my family from my immediate family to extended. Now my family are pretty heavy drinkers. My dad almost always had a Scotch in his hand. My grandpa always had some type of cocktail. My sisters drank a lot in college and at parties, etc. Then as a I kept growing up and getting to high school and stuff everyone I was hanging out with and all my "crowd" starting drinking. I was always noticing why they were drinking and how they acted when they drank. I am not against drinking at all but growing up with it it made me realize that most people don't drink because it is a social thing. I have noticed that a lot of people drink because they aren't happy with something, or they want to be liked by other people so they join the crowd, or they don't know how to socialize without having a drink in them so it takes the awkwardness away, or they just aren't happy with who they really are. It sadness me. I know many people that I know drink because they were never comfortable with who they really were. They needed to be someone else and drinking gave them that edge and made them someone more "fun". I have known a lot of people to do it because if they say no then everyone around them will make fun of them and they will be an outcast. What is wrong with that? Because someone doesn't want to and has morals they get ridiculed?? I have known A LOT of people that do it alone or even with people just to take away they pain they are dealing with in life. The stresses of life and everything that comes with it. All that does is make it worse and will never solve that problem. People do stuff they regret when they drink and get wasted and they will never be able to take what they did back. and on and on from what I have seen. But then again I know people, few, that drink social at dinner or a small gathering or at an event that do it how it probably is supposed to be done. Because you just want to socially drink with your friends and have a good time. Not get drunk and not remember what happened but just have a good time. I have seen a lot more bad than I have good come from drinking so I don't see why people honestly do it as often and as much as I see. But hey that's just how I grew up I guess.

Can You Change Someone??

One of the biggest flaws about me is that I want to be able to change the world. I want to be able to change people. Now that task I know is impossible. But It is possible to change some. Some of the world. Some people. I truly believe that. It's just are you strong enough and willing enough to do that. I believe that you can change people for the better. You will fail at times just like anything in life. I thought, I truly deep down in my heart that I could change my dad. I thought that I had the power to change the way he thought about life and could make him happy again. I thought maybe just being with him more, writing letters and notes to him of words that he probably has never heard before, that would inspire him and show him that life isn't just about everything he thought it was, it's about love, peace, happiness. I thought that I could safe is life. I was wrong. I couldn't. I tried everything in my power or close to everything and it just wasn't enough I guess. I will think about that everyday of my life but there honestly was nothing I could do. But I do believe that I changed my ex girlfriends life. I think I showed her that there are people out that that believe in you. There are people out there that care enough to see where you are going in life and how you get there. I think I made her happier than she has ever been and that life is worth living for. I showed her that she isn't just a hot girl that I wanted to hook up with and make her feel worthless. I showed her what true love is about. I showed her that this is how you should be treated and how life is supposed to be. I do believe that if I hadn't come into her life she wouldn't be where she is today. I don't know where she would be. But by trying to change peoples lives they also change yours. Those two peoples lives that I tried to change changed my life forever. I wouldn't be the man I am today if I hadn't been with my dad as much as I was trying to make him a better person. He made me a better person in the process and showed me what was important in life too. She changed my life by making me the happiest I have ever been with someone while being in the toughest part of my life. She showed me that one person can make you happy without even saying a word. But just by being there and knowing that they are right there when you fall. Everyday I try to change some ones life. Whether it is as small as someone wanting to lose some weight to gain their confidence and energy back. or if it is someone that just needs someone to listen to them and maybe give them some advice. I do believe that If you can TRY to change peoples lives you can change some of the world. All someone needs is for that one person to come to them and believe in them and help them change their life for the better. If you can do that go for it because it will change the world.

Heartbreak or Beginning.

I have experienced something I have never really experience in my life. Breaking up with someone you love with all your heart. Yeah girlfriends and boyfriends break up all the time. But when you break up with someone you have been with for so long and someone you truly love it is very different. It's like you're almost lost in the world without them. You don't want to let them go. It makes you either want them more and you know your feelings are very true about that person or it does the complete opposite and you know that person was not really the one. But the unique thing about this break up was all of the history. I haven't been with someone that has been there through the toughest times in my life like her. She was there for me when my sister was battling cancer and lost. She was there for me when I lost my dad. And she has been there for me through pretty much losing connection with all the rest of my extended family. That is a lot for a couple to handle and to go through at such a young age and short amount of time. Most people don't go through all of that shit in a life time and that all happened in a matter of a short three years. That takes a lot on a relationship, especially since when we started our amazing relationship, and then a few months later it my sister was battling cancer. We didn't really have much time to have a relationship just about us. We had a few months to be all about each other and then I think we never had a second to breath after that. There is very few things I would have done differently given all the circumstances. But it does take a toll on a relationship that never really had a chance to be about us. Most people have a good year or so that you are getting to know that person and always with them and always wanting to be with them and all of that good stuff. Well we had that just in a different way. But this might be the best thing for a relationship or it could be the worst. I guess you have to leave that up in Gods hands. It can give you an opportunity to start your relationship over fresh and begin again. Like a couple just getting together and knowing each other and being madly in love and always wanting to be together and talking about one another. Getting to know the fun little details about each other and fun things about one another. But also having a past and knowing a lot about the person and what they have been through. Or you realize through this break up that you were staying with that one person because of everything you have been through with that one person and you are better off as really good friends. I guess it's up to us to decide.

Dig Deep

I don't understand how some people fight against their heart so much. I mean they know what they want and how they feel but they try to fight against it because they so desperately want change in their life. Most people don't know what that change is or how to go about finding it. People make it harder than it really is. If you just look into your heart and listen to it it will show you what you need to do to be happy. But so many people can't do that for some reason. They want to make it some complicated and hard on themselves and they fight so hard that they usually end up making the wrong decision. But at some point you will end up doing what your heart tells you to do. I just wish that people would look into their hearts more and follow it because you will end up doing it anyways. Don't waste your time doing something you know just doesn't feel right. Life is too short for that.