Big Sister

Today is my sisters 29th Birthday. It's crazy how time flies by. I can't believe it has been three years and some months since you have been gone. I honestly never talked about you that much to anyone. I was scared too. I held a lot of my feelings, pain, and sorrow in about you for quite some time, actually till just recently. It made me upset to think about it and open up about it because I had many regrets when you left. I never really got to ever know my big sister, except for those few months that you were back home. I never told you I loved you as much as I should have and wanted too. I never talk to you just you and I besides a few times and I remember those days very vividly. And honestly I didn't spend all that much time with you. Sure yeah some of it had to do with the gap of years between us so it was hard but I still wanted wish we could have. If I could play it back I would have done things very differently, but I can't and I have finally accepted that. But even though we didn't see much of each other all the time or see eye to eye quite a bit of the time, I always knew you loved me more than anything in the world. You always protected me and anyone in our family from anything and everything. If you didn't a approve of a girl I was seeing or she wasn't treating me how you thought I should be treated you made sure she knew that and that if they did anything to hurt me that you were going to hunt them down. You protected me, cared about me, and loved me throughout my whole life and I knew that always. No words had to be said, no actions had to be done...I just knew it. And I thank you so much for that and I love you more than you could ever know.

Now Tash was always the most outgoing and opinionated person I have ever met. She could go into pretty much anywhere and within 10 or 15min that she was there mostly everyone has put their eyes on her to see what she would do next or say next. You had an energy about her that was unreal. It made everyone around her feel more comfortable and make them get out of their shy little box and be more outgoing because you weren't afraid cause you could never out do her. Tash wasn't the most warming person if you didn't really know her, but you always respected her and loved something about her because she was so unique in many ways. She was a very passionate and ambitious woman that if she went after something she would get it. If she wanted something done it would get done and done very well. She inspired me and gave me my passion for the entertainment business that I am forever grateful for because it makes me very happy to love something that I do, and she made that happen. Tasha put up quite a bit of bark and talked a lot. But behind that hard front she had she was one of the sweetest and very family oriented girl. She loved to be with her family and friends. You could just tell she was truly happy when she was around people that she cared about and people that cared about her.

I could go on for days describing her and what she meant to me and who I thought she was. The bottom line is that she was one of the most amazing woman I have ever seen. Sure she was hard to get a long with and very tough to deal with at times but she had that quality about her that attracted people regardless because you knew behind that tough act she had on she was one of the most caring, loving, and passionate people you could ever know. I couldn't ask for a better sister than her and what she did for me that I didn't understand at the time. I love you Tasha and I miss you every day. Thank you for being my amazing big sister!

Always There

Being the youngest in my family I observed a lot. I watched my sisters to see what they did and what they got in trouble for and what they didn't to see what I could get a away with. I watched my mom who was always the stable one. The one that was always there to talk and love on you and go over something in very big detail if you wanted. She listened, and listening has to be one of the biggest things someone could do. I watched my dad often. He was my idol, hero, inspiration, etc... I watched how he took control of his business. How dealt with people in general from business, to strangers, to family. i watched how he handled himself, how he dressed, walked, acted in front of different groups. I watched everything because I wanted to be just like him. I do almost everything how he did it but with a little of my own style. But the thing I noticed I have been doing very often right now that he always did and what I loved about him was that he was someone that was always there for people. If you were ever in doubt, trouble, sad, concerned, whatever it may be he was always the first person someone would call to help them because they knew he would be there in a second and knew he would take care of the problem. It is one of the hardest and most stressful roles to take on. It can feel like you are caring weights on your shoulders all the time. You most the time don't get anything back from anyone or anything when you do it. Sometimes you get a card or a nice message from someone and then other times you don't even get a thank you or I appreciate it. But if you are strong enough to take that role and willing it is not even about that. It is about being there for the people you care about at no cost and at anytime. Because a lot of people don't have that in their lives. A lot of people don't have but one person that they know that they can call at anytime of any hour that will be there for them in a second whether it be to just talk or to go pick them up from somewhere a couple hours away. But if you don't set yourself up for disappointment by taking on that role, then it can be an amazing feeling to know that that person that you care about and love will always have someone to go to when in need for anything. That is something very rare and special to come across in life.

Giving Time of the Year

Monday is going to be a huge day. I am going to go to different shelters, charities, and people that I know who have been going through a very rough time and deserve an amazing holiday, even if it is just for one day. I have and will be gathering up different gifts, presents, holiday stuff, and just me and my time, just to maybe brighten up their holiday and show that people are here and care. I am going to spend all day hanging out with them, talking to them, and doing whatever with them. And I guess out of all of this hopefully they have a better/joyful holiday and maybe give them a little more hope.

Could I be doing more of this every year, Absolutely. Do I? No, I don't, but I should. But for me right now is a big deal to show people that you are there for them and that you care and love them. My Dad was always a giving person around this time of the year. And I don't mean buying things for people, even though he did do that. He went above and beyond what most people do during this time of the year. He showed people that he cared about them, loved them, appreciated them, etc... And I want to be able to do that and carry that on for him, and for myself. Even though this is one of the most joyful times of the year, a lot of people aren't because they are struggling and just trying to get by. Most people are sad and hurt because they can't give their loved ones or children or family everything they want to give them. Maybe they are just so busy that they don't have time to spend with their family. Whatever the case may be, doing things for others this time of the year and showing people that you are just there for them is the biggest gift you can give someone. And I want to try to give some people that and hopefully give them a better and happier holiday.

Then the rest of that week, following up to Christmas for me, I really want to show my family and friends that I really care, love, and appreciate them more than they could ever imagine. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be who and where I am today. I am sure they know that and know I care and love them. But it is always nice to hear, show, and do things they you wouldn't expect one to do. And that is exactly what I am going to do for them. Because everyone of them has helped or given up something for me to be who I am and help me achieve what I want in life. And they deserve to know in every way, that I appreciate everything they do for me, even if it is as a little as they just listened to me. Because they may think that is little but that is huge thing to me and I want to show how much everything means.

Changes All Around Us.

I think it is very interesting to watch people change. Everyone changes. But do they change for the better or the worse? For me though, that isn't really even the most interesting question. The most interesting question is which person is really them and which one are they masking? Some people you can tell right away and some people you have no idea. But really no one will ever really know expect for that person.

I have changed quite a bit in the past seven years. I used to be this guy who was always hanging out with his friends, having a good time. Always talking and helping my five best friends and just enjoying my childhood and teenage life. Then I began to push them away and isolate myself because of shit that was going on in my life. I become mean, not talking much, annoyed, this and that. Then I got out of that point in my life. Lost a lot of friends but reconnected with my five close friends and found a girl who I fall madly in love with. I was always with her and wanting to hang out with her and loving her. I wanted nothing but to just treat her right and always have that passion and make sure she knew how special she really was. I was one of the happiest guys alive. I had five great friends and an amazing girlfriend that I knew within a year that she could/was definitely the one I wanted for the rest of my life. Then two major things happened within a year and a half and I just lost myself. Gave up on everything I suppose. I was there but I wasn't "really" there. I had no emotions really. Didn't really care to see anyone, talk, share, hang out, have fun, etc.. Began pushing my girlfriend away because I was never really there and in reality all I really wanted was her and my family around me and loving me. But I couldn't give that back because I was so lost and gone and I didn't even know it. And now, even after losing quite a bit, I see things in a different light. I see who I really am and who I want to be. Is it too late for a few things, yes probably. But I guess at least through all the changes in my life I realized who I really am I don't ever want to change that.

I knew a guy who was a very loving guy. He was a charmer. He was always giving to people and helping people out. He was always having people over and hosting things to get everyone together. He always seemed to be there when you didn't expect him to be and was always there on every special occasion and party. You always felt very happy and loved when you were around him because he just gave off that vibe. Then slowly but surly he began distancing himself from people. He grew angry. be began drinking and taking prescriptions regularly. Stopped caring about what other people were feeling or how his actions made other people feel. He completely stopped talking to parts of his family because of a reason I'll never know. Was he just putting on a act and posing as the first person and his true colors came out? I think so, but only he really knows.

My first girlfriend, which we were together for about a year was a sweet, and very nice person. She would do anything for anyone. Didn't even matter if it wasn't her own family, or if she even really knew them, she would just do things beyond what anyone expects one person to do that it changed peoples lives. She had a strong relationship and was an amazing girlfriend and everyone could tell because they were always together laughing and in love. Then one day, it's like no one knew who she was anymore. She began to drink and do drugs. She disappeared in peoples lives that loved her and cared about her. She decided she wanted to sleep around a lot more and she wanted a different type of guy and boyfriend. It kind of seemed like she stopped caring about herself anymore and who she really was. But who is she really? Was she just pretending and masking the first person she was and this is who she really is. Or was that really who she was and she changed for the worse unfortunately? Who really knows. But it is very interesting to see that change.

I knew a guy who did drugs almost everyday. Not just weed or whatever. Coke, heroine, pills, etc... He was friends with all sorts of people that wanted the same thing. Slept with girls here and there, no condom or anything, just didn't care. Treated others around him who tried to give their opinion or help like shit. Didn't really care about school. He was smart so he got by but didn't care what it was doing for him or the purpose of it. Then all of sudden out of the blue, Have no idea what triggered it, he stopped everything completely. Called people he probably never would for help. Went through some hard and tough times trying to get over it. He is now one of the smartest and nicest guys I have known. Would do anything for anyone he truly cares about. and just completely did an 180. It was crazy to see that change and his whole story could be very inspirational to many. You can tell that this is the person he really is too.

I could go on with many stories with many people I know and have met in my life. But the point is that change is everywhere. Death, school, people, words, etc..change people everyday. Change is supposed to happen. It's inevitable. It's how you deal with that change that will change everything. Because you can easily take the wrong route and change into someone you aren't and who isn't you. I have taken that route and it isn't fun to try to get back to who you really are. So yes change, but change for the better but never change into a person who you really aren't

Risks

Risk is a very scary concept. Usually when you use that term you either gain everything or lose it all. That is why it is such a mind boggling concept to decide on. Are most things worth taking the risk and losing everything if you do? I don't know, I guess that depends on the person. But I would say that a lot things aren't worth that to most people. They would rather not worry about it, anxiety, stress of maybe coming out on the bad end of it all. Which I absolutely get cause I have not taken a risk on some things because I was so worried about it not going they way I hoped. But I kind of wish I did. Because for me, if you want to take a risk on something then it's probably what you really want and better than you have. Kind of like going for first instead of just accepting second. I have come to realize that more in the past 6 months than I'v ever had before. When you want something and you think about it once or multiple times a day then it's worth the risk. Whether it be a career move, telling someone that you like them or love them, or just simply getting rid of things that you don't need in your life. If it's going to make you happier and/or a better person then why not try for it. You might not get it and life goes on, probably the same way it was going. But maybe you do get it, and that one thing could change everything. I guess you have to be able to let go of that fear or maybe I should say "I" should let go off all the fear.

Power of Friendship

One of my oldest and closest friends came home yesterday from being gone for two years on a mission. When he got off the plane it was like we never missed a step and I saw him yesterday. When you can have friends like that that you haven't seen in a couple years or been able to really talk too and it seems as though he was never gone, that is something very special. That is a sign of true friendship and something that can't be broken. Something that I believe everyone should have in their life, because it's hard to fall when you have those type of friends. I owe a lot of things to this kid, and I'm sure more to come. Two of the things I owe him the most for is making me a better person, and making me believe that there is always good no matter how bad or messed up the situations may be. I'm honestly not sure where I would be today, with everything that has gone on in my life, if it wasn't for him. He never let me turn into someone I wasn't. Never made me give up hope, when I wanted to give up on it so badly. Never made me stop believing in love when I get my heartbroken. Never made me stop believing in God when I couldn't have been more mad at him. And never made me give up on myself. I couldn't be more grateful for that. I just hope that I can be half the friend to him as he has/always will be for me.

Unsaid

Sometimes it's the stuff that you leave unsaid that you wish you so badly could say. But you know that you shouldn't because if you do, it might ruin everything, cause more problems than you want to handle, or just scared to hear an answer that you don't want to hear. Maybe it's for the best to keep things unsaid. I mean you could get into a lot of bad shit if you said everything you wanted to say to everyone. But what if you did? It might be the complete opposite of what I think. Maybe it will weed out the people that aren't that important in your life. Maybe you will find your "true" friends if you do. Or if tell that one person that you want to be with, that you like them, that they might just like you and want to be with you too. Or you will find what you really want in life, who you really are, and what makes you truly happy. I guess the more I think about it, the more stuff that is unsaid the more you will never know what could happen. It's getting over that fear of sometimes hearing what you don't want to hear. And facing things you don't really want to face.

One Year. Nov. 19th, 2009

It has been one year since my dad has passed and it feels like it happened just yesterday. It is very hard to explain exactly how I am feeling about it. People ask me all the time how I am doing and feeling. I don't really know. Sure I'v gotten passed he numbness of it all, but besides that I couldn't really give you an exact answer. Sure I'm mad, angry, sad, confused, and all of other adjectives. But I am have love, peace, understanding of things that happened and why. Missing my dad and sadness that he is not here with me and our family will be with me every single day of my life. But it's getting pass the sorrow and hurt of it all and finding the good out of it and changing you as a person. I am slowly but surely finding that path of the goodness that could possibly come from a horrible tragedy.

I have friends, family members, people I don't even really know always tell me what I should be feeling and how I should be feeling. That it hasn't hit yet or that the anger and sorrow and everything else will hit you at some point and you need to make peace with it or deal with it. I don't really get how someone can tell someone how they should be feeling or what they will be feeling later on. No one really knows. Even if it did happen to you, yeah you might be able to help a little bit more and have some good advice and opinions, but everyone handles things differently, everyone has different feelings and emotions and how they deal with stuff. I believe what most people want and need in their life when something happens to them like this is just someone to be there and listen to them. Someone to talk to and spill all of their thoughts, emotions, and sadness out too.

Dad I love you with all of my heart. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't wish you were right here by my side. That if I could I would change everything. I'm going to miss you being able to watch me grow up and show you everything I can do with my life and career. I wish you could be there when I make it where I want to be in the Film Industry. I wish you could be there for when I get married and have children and be their grandpa. I wish every day that I could call you, see you, have lunch with you, go to colts games, take motorcycle trips, go on amazing vacations, just hug you and never let go. But I know that that isn't possible anymore. And I truly know now that you will always be with me in spirit and in my heart. You will help me get through everything in my life and trust me I'll need you for it, and I know you will be there with me every step of the way. I love you dad. Thank you so much for everything you did for me, but most of all thank you for being the best dad a son could ever ask for. Showing me all the love in the world. When it came down to it that's the best thing you could have ever given all of us, the love that you showed us every single day that you probably didn't even know you did. It still amazes me. And I'll always have that with me. Thank you for making me the person and man I am today. I love you. I'll see you and Tash again.

Hurting others

I don't really get why so many people have to hurt other people. It's really sad. I mean why do so many people tear each other down and make people feel bad, guilty, sad, heart broken, hurt etc...?? Is that the cool thing to do? I mean I see it every where. All around you it happens. I mean look on the social media websites like facebook and twitter. You can see millions of them on there. I have been torn down many times and i have also made fun of people and put them down. I just don't get it anymore. I mean yeah I did it because i didn't know who i was or was insure with myself and I never felt good about it. Is that why most people do it? Or do people do it for enjoyment or to make them feel better about themselves. I don't know but I see it more often than not and it kills me especially when it's your friend or family that is hurting. I watched my whole family fight and heard awful things said to each other and just make them feel really down about themselves...and what was the purpose of it all? to win? What are you really winning though? All you are doing is hurting someone you love and pushing people further and further away from you and in the end you will have pushed them so far that it won't ever be the same again. Words are very powerful and can hurt a lot more than a punch. Yeah it might make you look cool or bad ass in front of people or a crowd or maybe just to yourself but really you are just making a fool of yourself and making you look really stupid. A prime example is when I saw for the past 4 or 5 years my dad and his dad saw mean and awful things to each other and fight all the time and i honestly believe that they have no idea why they are evening fighting in the first place. People don't talk or listen anymore. They just fight and hurt others and usually the ones you care about and love the most and its very.. very sad that that is usually how it works. Hurting the ones you love and care about...I just don't get it.

Helping Hand.

It's funny how some people think that they can do it on their own and they don't need anyone to help. Everyone needs someone to help in almost every part of their life. You can't become successful in a business or career without someone's help. It's almost impossible. There is always someone that either helped you get there or is helping you run it or this or that. There are people out there that think that they don't need someone in their life to make them happy. That is true to an extent. I mean yeah you don't need someone to make you happy. But does everyone want someone to lean on, talk to, love, be there for, save them...etc...of course they do and if they say that they don't they are lying. Everyone is looking for that and even though you don't need that to be "happy" you need that to be completely happy because life is all about relationships and connection with others. That is where I noticed a lot of woman at stubborn. They got this whole "independent woman" thing going on and saying they don't need a guy or anything in their life. Come on get real. Yeah you might not need him but I'm pretty sure you want that one guy out there that will make you happier than you ever thought you could be. It's not about who makes the most and who does what as a career it's about your connection and relationship. I notice a lot of people out there like that. People are afraid to ask for help or guidance. Why? It doesn't mean you aren't a man or that you can't do something on your own it just means that you want to do something at the very best and usually two heads or better than one, so don't be afraid to ask for help! Some of the most successful people and most of the happiest people have help and or have that one person by their side that they love. Everyone needs help...from work, to relationships, even with yourself and problems. You can't always figure everything out on your own. So don't be afraid or too stubborn to ask!

A scared girl!

I know this girl who can play it off that she is fine and happy but really she is sad inside and wants to release everything to the world. Her sadness, her feelings, her mistakes, regrets, how she truly feels..but is scared to let all of that out there. Is scared to share it when everyone is waiting to listen and help. She hates the sounds of goodbyes. She is scared of people leaving her. she gives people what they want and she tries to act all nonchalant because she is afraid that they will see that she is really just lost and has lost her direction. She looks at herself in the mirror and sees imperfections when all there is is perfection. She looks at magazines and other people and thinks she doesn't look good enough when she looks simply beautiful. She is afraid that she will never reconnect with her father when they lost something along the way. But if they both look hard enough they are both really calling for each other to become a true father/daughter again. She goes out and tries to keep herself busy because when it comes time to face herself alone she is scared. She is scared of what might happen. She is scared of how she truly feels. She is afraid of missing experiences in life that other people have had. Everyone has different experiences and adventures in life I guess it's just up to you to decide how you want yours to be and go. She is sad that she never got the attention from her parents that her sister's got. She feels like she let them down in a way because of her past and what she may have done. But in reality she has her parents waiting with their arms wide open for her to come right in so they can protect her and give her all the love she wants. She just wants someone to protect her and to take her home. She wants someone to be there for her when she falls. She wants love and happiness in the world. She wants to change her mind so badly but doesn't know how. She needs to let that wall go. She needs to put down her guard and open up. She can offer the world and people so much but she needs to let it go. Because there will be so many people to catch her when she falls and she will rise higher than she could ever imagine after she does! Be the Incredible woman you are and don't be afraid anymore. Don't hide who you are. Let it all out and you will get the biggest reward back. Happiness, Love, and Peace.

A Wall...gone!

I have put up a wall for so long that I finally see things so clearly now. It's sad that it had to come like this. My wall broke to pieces when the love of my life and I broke up. It sucks that it had to come like that. But it did. I see how much I missed with this wall blocking my real emotions and kind of who I was. I realized that yes I showed my girlfriend that I cared about her and did stuff for her and tried to protect her and be there for her. But what she really wanted from me was me. She wanted me to open up to her and show her who I really was. She wanted me to come out of this shell I was in for so long and and show her how i felt, to express what I was feeling and work through it all as a couple. I was scared to do that. I was scared to open up all of this sadness and drama to her because I wanted her to not have to see that and to protect her from all of that. But in the end it really just pushed us away and I regret that a lot. I never really got to show her how much I really loved her and cared about her. Yes she saw that in a way but she didn't see it through my emotions and feelings. She didn't see HOW MUCH i really loved her. Because i was shut off. I wanted to protect everyone and show them that I could be strong and you could all come to me when you had a problem. But I really wanted to break down and just cry and let everything out. Why I couldn't do that with her kills me because I so badly wanted to but I didn't want to have to put all of that on her too when I knew she was sad also. But I should have and we should have worked through it together because it would have made us stronger and more connected and I see that now. Is it too late for us...I don't know I hope not because I really love her with all of my heart and she is my everything! I just hope it isn't too late for her to see that my wall has been broken. One of the biggest regrets because it blocked me away from a lot of other stuff too. I see now how sad my dad really was. How who he was hanging out with and his "friends" weren't really his friends and were kind of using him. How he wanted to just go home. He wanted his wife and family back so he could be happy again. He pretended to be happy for his kids but deep down he wasn't and you could see that in his eyes if you really looked and I didn't because i was in denial too. Maybe that is who taught me to put up a wall to protect others because he did the same thing for us. It didn't help him either. I wish I could have seen that and been there for him! I see now how important friends are. I pushed a lot of good friends away. Ones that cared about me for me. Not just people to hang with or party with. But really true friends. I see that now and i hope that isn't too late either. I see a lot of things a lot more open minded and clearly. It has helped me really see where I want to go in life and persue it. I has helped me with my film and writing because I know now that I have the talent and skill to make it big if i go after it with all i got. I know that I can achieve more than i thought. I was scared of failure and letting people down all the time. Well what I was doing but keeping that wall up was letting them down. I didn't see that. I do know. It's time for me to change and change into a better person and i'm going to do just that!

Greatest... but also sadness.

One of the best moment of my life but also one of the most heart wrenching. It was Fourth of July 2008. I was at my girlfriends we were having one of the best days we have had! Laughing a lot, spending all day with each other, hanging out, having fun and being madly in love. We were getting all ready to go to my Dad's Condo downtown. (It is one of the best views to watch fireworks from Indianapolis. You can go on the rooftop of the building and everyone is out there enjoying the great view.) Erin's Mom, Dad, older sister and her friend were coming. And it was great because that is the first time my dad really got to meet my girlfriends parents. So it was a pretty big deal to me! We all were having a great time. Everyone was bonding great, laughing a ton, grilling out and eating some good food. I was really happy. We took a lot of photos from that night too. Just snapping photos left and right maybe because I just wanted to remember the night, I don't know. But I went back to look at those photos. And I realized that every picture I had with my dad I could see in his eyes sadness. Every picture his eyes were never happy. And eyes do not lie. I know my dad pretty well and I know by a picture whether he is honestly happy and stuff or not. I never realized that until very recently when I looked back at them. I guess I never really wanted to see it. He had so much sadness in those eyes. He missed his family. He missed having Fourth of July with his wife and kids and putting on a show for them. I know that because that's what he was always talking about. I wish i would have realized that sooner. So that had to be one of the best days of my life because I was so happy with my relationship and that my father was meeting my girl's parents that I was in love with and her sister. But It was also sad too because I knew in his eyes in those pictures that he wasn't happy and that he missed something in his life and I realize what that was now, his family!

Followers

I find it very funny how many people will say they like something when they really didn't at all but everyone else around them did so they will agree. I see that all the time with movies. Take for instance Wolverine or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Yes those were very hyped up movies with big time budgets. People went in there already making up their mind that it was amazing because of what the character and what the movie was about. But really those movies were not good at all. But people won't admit to saying that because they will not be with the majority of the people. They want to agree with everyone else because if you don't people will jump on you about it and start arguing. Same thing goes with concerts. A big time band that is hyped up to be amazing and put on the best show and then they just aren't very good at all. But people will say that they were because of who the artist is and what everyone thinks. It goes for a lot of things in life too. No not everyone is like this not by any means. It just find it very interesting and funny the people that do do that. I mean it is okay to have an opinion even if someone does get upset or angry. It doesn't really matter it's YOUR opinion. If you don't like something, do like something and no one else does, doesn't want to do something, etc. whatever it may be just express your own opinion because if you don't then you aren't really being who you are. Be your own person.

Drinking...good and bad?

I kind of grew up with drinking being fine. I mean I was always told that I can't drink until I'm 21 and some basic expectations but never had parents that where like "You can not drink ever. It is against God's will." Being the youngest in my family though I was always watching everyone in my family from my immediate family to extended. Now my family are pretty heavy drinkers. My dad almost always had a Scotch in his hand. My grandpa always had some type of cocktail. My sisters drank a lot in college and at parties, etc. Then as a I kept growing up and getting to high school and stuff everyone I was hanging out with and all my "crowd" starting drinking. I was always noticing why they were drinking and how they acted when they drank. I am not against drinking at all but growing up with it it made me realize that most people don't drink because it is a social thing. I have noticed that a lot of people drink because they aren't happy with something, or they want to be liked by other people so they join the crowd, or they don't know how to socialize without having a drink in them so it takes the awkwardness away, or they just aren't happy with who they really are. It sadness me. I know many people that I know drink because they were never comfortable with who they really were. They needed to be someone else and drinking gave them that edge and made them someone more "fun". I have known a lot of people to do it because if they say no then everyone around them will make fun of them and they will be an outcast. What is wrong with that? Because someone doesn't want to and has morals they get ridiculed?? I have known A LOT of people that do it alone or even with people just to take away they pain they are dealing with in life. The stresses of life and everything that comes with it. All that does is make it worse and will never solve that problem. People do stuff they regret when they drink and get wasted and they will never be able to take what they did back. and on and on from what I have seen. But then again I know people, few, that drink social at dinner or a small gathering or at an event that do it how it probably is supposed to be done. Because you just want to socially drink with your friends and have a good time. Not get drunk and not remember what happened but just have a good time. I have seen a lot more bad than I have good come from drinking so I don't see why people honestly do it as often and as much as I see. But hey that's just how I grew up I guess.

Can You Change Someone??

One of the biggest flaws about me is that I want to be able to change the world. I want to be able to change people. Now that task I know is impossible. But It is possible to change some. Some of the world. Some people. I truly believe that. It's just are you strong enough and willing enough to do that. I believe that you can change people for the better. You will fail at times just like anything in life. I thought, I truly deep down in my heart that I could change my dad. I thought that I had the power to change the way he thought about life and could make him happy again. I thought maybe just being with him more, writing letters and notes to him of words that he probably has never heard before, that would inspire him and show him that life isn't just about everything he thought it was, it's about love, peace, happiness. I thought that I could safe is life. I was wrong. I couldn't. I tried everything in my power or close to everything and it just wasn't enough I guess. I will think about that everyday of my life but there honestly was nothing I could do. But I do believe that I changed my ex girlfriends life. I think I showed her that there are people out that that believe in you. There are people out there that care enough to see where you are going in life and how you get there. I think I made her happier than she has ever been and that life is worth living for. I showed her that she isn't just a hot girl that I wanted to hook up with and make her feel worthless. I showed her what true love is about. I showed her that this is how you should be treated and how life is supposed to be. I do believe that if I hadn't come into her life she wouldn't be where she is today. I don't know where she would be. But by trying to change peoples lives they also change yours. Those two peoples lives that I tried to change changed my life forever. I wouldn't be the man I am today if I hadn't been with my dad as much as I was trying to make him a better person. He made me a better person in the process and showed me what was important in life too. She changed my life by making me the happiest I have ever been with someone while being in the toughest part of my life. She showed me that one person can make you happy without even saying a word. But just by being there and knowing that they are right there when you fall. Everyday I try to change some ones life. Whether it is as small as someone wanting to lose some weight to gain their confidence and energy back. or if it is someone that just needs someone to listen to them and maybe give them some advice. I do believe that If you can TRY to change peoples lives you can change some of the world. All someone needs is for that one person to come to them and believe in them and help them change their life for the better. If you can do that go for it because it will change the world.

Heartbreak or Beginning.

I have experienced something I have never really experience in my life. Breaking up with someone you love with all your heart. Yeah girlfriends and boyfriends break up all the time. But when you break up with someone you have been with for so long and someone you truly love it is very different. It's like you're almost lost in the world without them. You don't want to let them go. It makes you either want them more and you know your feelings are very true about that person or it does the complete opposite and you know that person was not really the one. But the unique thing about this break up was all of the history. I haven't been with someone that has been there through the toughest times in my life like her. She was there for me when my sister was battling cancer and lost. She was there for me when I lost my dad. And she has been there for me through pretty much losing connection with all the rest of my extended family. That is a lot for a couple to handle and to go through at such a young age and short amount of time. Most people don't go through all of that shit in a life time and that all happened in a matter of a short three years. That takes a lot on a relationship, especially since when we started our amazing relationship, and then a few months later it my sister was battling cancer. We didn't really have much time to have a relationship just about us. We had a few months to be all about each other and then I think we never had a second to breath after that. There is very few things I would have done differently given all the circumstances. But it does take a toll on a relationship that never really had a chance to be about us. Most people have a good year or so that you are getting to know that person and always with them and always wanting to be with them and all of that good stuff. Well we had that just in a different way. But this might be the best thing for a relationship or it could be the worst. I guess you have to leave that up in Gods hands. It can give you an opportunity to start your relationship over fresh and begin again. Like a couple just getting together and knowing each other and being madly in love and always wanting to be together and talking about one another. Getting to know the fun little details about each other and fun things about one another. But also having a past and knowing a lot about the person and what they have been through. Or you realize through this break up that you were staying with that one person because of everything you have been through with that one person and you are better off as really good friends. I guess it's up to us to decide.

Dig Deep

I don't understand how some people fight against their heart so much. I mean they know what they want and how they feel but they try to fight against it because they so desperately want change in their life. Most people don't know what that change is or how to go about finding it. People make it harder than it really is. If you just look into your heart and listen to it it will show you what you need to do to be happy. But so many people can't do that for some reason. They want to make it some complicated and hard on themselves and they fight so hard that they usually end up making the wrong decision. But at some point you will end up doing what your heart tells you to do. I just wish that people would look into their hearts more and follow it because you will end up doing it anyways. Don't waste your time doing something you know just doesn't feel right. Life is too short for that.

Dreams

Everyone has a dream of what they want to do and how they want to live in life. Some people want to become a professional basketball player while someone else may want to open there very small but homey dessert shop. Some might want to become a firefighter and help others while another person just wants a happy healthy family. It doesn't matter what your dream is, it's the matter of whether you will go after it without giving up and giving it your all.
So many people get discouraged by other people because they tell them, it's not realistic or it's to hard. That's sad because they are probably unhappy with their lives that they don't want you to do what will make you happy. Why don't people try to help people out more and pay it forward a little? Give more support and encouragement? I don't know, I just wish there would start to be more of that out there. You don't have to be rich or give someone money to help. It can be as little as listening or maybe just having them meet the right people, or just being there for them.
There are lots of rejections in life and lots of obstacles to overcome. If you give up though then you are failing yourself because you aren't going after what you want in life, what makes you happy, the thing you think about everyday. You only live once. Why not go after or do something that will make you happy? I have seen and heard to many people do something that they hate to pay the bills, have money, or because that's what they were "told" to do. Wouldn't you rather be happy, with or without money, doing something you are passionate about and love. Even though it may be harder and more work wouldn't the reward be so much greater. Even the hardest day of doing something you love is better than just a good day at something you hate. But then again maybe that's just me.